What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 07:06
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i lived it daily.
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She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why am I attracted to older men?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Would this be the day?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I want to touch my sister’s boobs. What do I say?
Im still living with it.
We were not on the streets..
She married twice! .
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My family never makes their pension either.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
How do you write a letter to your uncle who sent you money for your birthday outfit?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I think the readers, may guess!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I waited trembling.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He knew the spot.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I write beautiful poetry .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
All the time i was locked up.
I was scared of men, in general
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was in good health!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She found it foreign!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Comes on , in middle age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She wouldn,t have been !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.